Five Great ‘Indestructible Superhero’ Movies
So, I was supposed to write this piece on ‘Five Great Indestructible Superhero Movies’ to tie in with the big screen release of both Superman and Wolverine here in Australia. In fact, I was supposed to have written it a week ago. But I didn’t. I may even have gone so far as to tell the other guys in the office that I had, and it just needed a little polishing. That was a huge lie. Hell, I hadn’t even watched a single film for the article. There, I said it. I’m a bad friend and a worse colleague. But, in my defence, I was going to write it up today. Honest I was. And then I got invited to see This Is The End on the Extreme Screen at Hoyts. And it changed my life. I don’t want to hype it up too much, but I think it is the greatest film ever made. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about This Is The End is a comedy about Seth Rogan, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Danny McBride, Jonah Hill, and a bunch of other celebrities, playing themselves during a Biblical apocalypse. Genius, right? Damn straight it is! And like all great films, it inspired me. It Inspired me to throw caution, duty – and possibly employment – to the wind and say “Fuck writing about indestructible superheroes, I’m gonna write about…
FIVE GREAT APOCALYPSE FILMS YOU SHOULD SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
(Not including This Is The End, which you should also totally see before you die).
Donald Sutherland hunts for rat turds, Brooke Adams stalks her boyfriend, it takes Jeff Goldblum six months to write a line sometimes, and Leonard Nimoy thinks they’re all full of shit. Oh yeah, and the world is overrun by pod people who look just like us, but aren’t. It happens when we sleep, see. We head off to the land of nod, and these plants from out-of-space suck us dry and copy us exactly while we slowly dissolve into dust. Brilliant! Phillip Kaufman’s reimagining of Jack Finney’s 1955 novel is one of the most truly terrifying end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it stories ever told, and in my opinion, the greatest film ever made! There’s a fat guy semi-nude massage scene (no happy ending – thanks for nothing, Veronica Cartwright!), a nudie run through the woods (once again, not Veronica Cartwright), a lot of pointing and screaming, and nobody gets any sleep. You’ll fucking love it!
After a comet vaporizes the majority of life on Earth, survivors Catherine Mary Stewart (with whom ‘making it’ is worth more than $15) and her cheerleader little sister Kelli Maroney, team up with an un-cannibalized Raoul and wander the earth like Cain from Kung-Fu. Not really. They actually spend most of their time getting high scores on Tempest, playing songs on the radio, fighting new wave zombies and avoiding government scientist types in jumpsuits, because this is the greatest film ever made and that’s just what you do. Sharon Farrell from It’s Alive let’s the neighbour put his hands down her pants, Geoffrey Lewis wears his sunglasses at night, Maniac Cop makes a cameo (well, ok, it’s just a zombie cop, but he looks pretty real) and Buck, “Who-Likes-To-Fuck”, tries to get $110 for a mint condition 35mm print of It Came From Outer Space (in 3D, man!). Did I mention that this is the greatest film ever made?
Yes, I know this isn’t a movie, it’s a British TV series / mini-series thing. Fuck your rules. I’m writing this, and if I want to talk about a TV series thingamajig, I bloody well will. Reasonably faithful to John Wyndham’s 1951 novel of the same name, Day of the Triffids introduces us to a flesh-eating breed of plant that takes over the world when a passing comet turns 99.5% of the Earth’s population blind. Using a whip-like stinger, the Triffids (the aforementioned plants) enjoy nothing better than slapping people with poison and then devouring their carcasses. Our heroes, Bill Mason and Jo (Josella) Payton, who can still see, are forced to battle other militant ‘sighted’s’, the plague, and religious conviction in order to flee the city and find safety in the country. Seriously, this is the greatest film-that’s-actually-a-TV-series ever made! A bunch of oldies sings hymns in a church, then all get sick and die, PC Dave Quinnan from The Bill gets pissed and wants ‘A WOMAN!!’, and a ginger punk shoots some blind geezers in the head for kicks. Horrifying, thought provoking, and brilliantly executed. Much better than the 2009 two-parter with Eddie Izzard and Jason ‘90210’ Priestly.
There’s a a lot of hate out there for this film, but seriously, it’s the greatest film ever made and people should just shut the fuck up and love it. From the synth scored opening credit sequence right through to the heavy metal scored closing credit sequence, Ghosts of Mars delivers on every front. Alien spirits enter the peoples of a Mars mining colony and turn most of them into angry Goth cutters. Coincidentally, a group of space cops including Pam Grier, Natasha Henstridge, Jason Statham, Clea Duvall and some other dude, arrive to pick up Ice Cube for being an interplanetary badass. Guess what happens next… If you guessed ‘Shit get’s real’ then you should give yourself a cigar and a quick ‘How’s Your Father’. Several heads get stuck on pikes, Ice Cube has guns made out of silver, ladies rule the world and Pam Grier tries to lez out all over Natasha Henstridge while a jealous Clea Duvall watches but doesn’t masturbate. Like I said; Best. Film. Ever. Made.
After a biochemically engineered flu-like disease escapes quarantine from a military instillation, Ed Harris kills himself and the world goes to shit as 99% of the population catches cold and dies. Of those left, the good guys hang out with Ruby Dee on a farm in Nebraska while the bad guys go to Vegas and party with the devil. Then they fight each other. Done in four parts, the first two are the best as they show everybody getting killed. The dad from Alf; Killed. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar; Killed. Dr Kelso from Scrubs; Killed. Lex Luthor from the Superboy TV series; Killed. It’s pretty fricken’ awesome. Also, Laura San Giacomo bangs a demon, Shawnee Smith goes crazy, Max Headroom blows stuff up, Parker Lewis CAN lose, and M-O-O-N spells X, among other things. I’m not shitting you when I say that The Stand is the greatest film (screened as four separate episodes on television) ever made!